I haven’t been writing a lot lately. At least not as much as I have wished or wanted to. I haven’t translated a message from TLO in over a month. There have been a lot of reasons for it. One of the reasons has been a very powerful merging of the guidance from my “Light Team” and my conscious self. No longer do I feel like I am channeling information so much as I am constantly connected to the source of it. Now when I am writing, I don’t feel like it is coming from somewhere “out there” but that I have a live feed turned on all of the time.
I remember quite clearly in the early days of bringing through messages that I had to do some very deliberate and focused work to get myself to the level of receiving information. Like I was listening to the radio playing in the other room and was doing my best to hear what was being broadcast. Now I feel like I am in the room with the radio playing very clearly and am hearing it with no problems. Better yet, I feel like I am actually part of the broadcast and that there is no longer any separation and I am experiencing and receiving guidance in real time.
Part of my absence from creating videos and blog posts also has to do with how rapidly things are shifting energetically. It seems that from one minute to the next things are expanding and unfolding at a rate that leaves me breathless and elated. Just when I think I have gotten my footing and have a clear understanding of what is happening or where I am headed we get blasted with another wave of energy. It seems like there is always a portal or an eclipse or a significant celestial alignment of some sort! It’s all been very intense and most days I feel like I have about 3-4 hours of productive time before I collapse in my bed exhausted ready to sleep and relax for several hours.
Much of my time has been spent painting. My artwork has always been very closely tied to my own evolution and growth. I can connect to the flow in a very clear and effortless way and I find that as my artwork evolves so does everything else in my life. It’s the perfect way for me to keep my ego/conscious mind occupied with the mechanics of the physical act of painting while allowing my creative mind/higher self to emerge on the canvas.
This week has been a perfect example of that crazy shifting. Back in November I had a very clear moment of feeling that I would soon be moving back to SF. I still have several friends down there and I really do love it. I also had some opportunities to expand my spiritual practice.
So I started to put feelers out to friends about places to live and very quickly I connected with a friend who had a place I could sublet. I also had several friends offer to help me drive my stuff down to SF in a U-haul. It all seemed to be falling into place rather smoothly. Fast forward to several weeks ago when I announced that I was moving back and started to make concrete plans. The closer I got to actually making the move the less and less easy it was becoming. The friends who had said that they could help me move my stuff via U-haul were suddenly not so sure they could because of their own responsibilities. The moving companies that I had contacted as a contingency about doing the move for me were sending me estimates that were far outside the boundaries of my budget. Then my friend who had offered me his place to sublet told me that he was considering quitting his job and moving back to SF and that we would most likely be full time roommates. I didn’t blame anyone for not being able to help me move and I would not have minded living with my friend, but suddenly what had once seemed like the next logical, effortless step on my path was becoming more and more tangled and muddy.
So yesterday I made the decision to postpone my move indefinitely. I was happy to have made that choice as it felt like the right one to make. Yet I was also a little deflated and confused as I was really looking forward to going back down there and I was so sure that it was the next step on my path. I have learned to trust the process but seriously? A lot of what has been on my mind lately has been the question of “When are things going to level out a bit?” This breakneck pace of change is freaking exhausting sometimes! I mean I know that this is a marathon and that there really is no “end” to the process, but sheesh! How about a moment of rest or of clarity? It’s like trying to watch TV with someone who changes the channel every 10 seconds. Just when I think I am starting to understand what it is that I am watching, it changes and I have to start all over again!
Then today I woke up feeling really sluggish and still in this funky energetic space. I got myself dressed for the gym and got all the way there, put my stuff in the locker and then suddenly got the very clear message that I needed to pack up and go back home to write this post. I just laughed at myself and as I was walking back home asked my team “What. The. Fuck is going ON?!?” “Why am I getting all of this bait and switch from you lately?” The immediately showed me an image of a hedge maze and then they showed me a river of water flowing around rocks. The message was very clear:
What seems like a dead end is in fact not a dead end as it is leading you to the doorway of the next step, the next phase. When you are in a maze even the wrong turns are the right ones as through the process of elimination you are finding the center of the maze. You agreed to the maze as part of your soul plan because you knew that it was exactly what you needed to get you to trust what you intuit on a soul level what the next step is…not necessarily what you think on a thinking mind/ego level.
When I asked them what the river was about they had this to say:
When you are connected to the flow in a completely non-resistant way, you are like the river flowing around the rocks. When you watch a river flowing, it seems as if there is absolutely zero resistance because the consciousness of the river is always and only in the present moment. It doesn’t stop to say “should I flow this way or that way?” It only and ever knows exactly where it is being guided and while the rock could be perceived as a barrier, it seemingly doesn’t even acknowledge that the rock is there. The process you are going through right now is the same. Your thinking mind/ego is finally learning to surrender to the flow and go with the guidance that is always streaming to you endlessly. You have learned to train your thinking mind/ego to be in service of the Soul and not the other way around. The thinking mind/ego will always stop to asses which is the best way according to the illusion of what it perceives. In order for you to continue to soften the thinking mind/ego out of the false perception that it is still in control, these last minute “bait and switch” scenarios are necessary. The more you trust your soul/intuitive guidance the more you show yourself that it is always guiding you in the right direction. It is like when an athlete constantly has to switch their training and focus on their foot work to sharpen their dexterity and reflexes. This is the only way to train the body to respond quickly to trust the mind. In this way, the body serves the mind. Just like with these last minute shifts in your path you are training the thinking mind/ego to trust the soul/intuitive mind. What makes the ego feel uncomfortable is almost always good for you from a soul perspective.
That last line kind of blew my mind. “What makes the ego feel uncomfortable is almost always good for you from a soul perspective.” This nugget of wisdom popped out of my mouth several days ago when I was counseling a friend on his similarly stressful situation. I knew where it came from, but had no idea how it would later apply to me. See what I mean about the stream being real time?
The last weird thing I have been dealing with is this recurrent image of myself in a wheel chair. Many many years ago, I used to have this irrational thought that someday, somehow I was going to have an accident and end up paralyzed. Oddly enough (in hindsight because at the time I had no idea what it was) this image started showing up to me when I was just starting to dip my toe into my conscious spiritual awakening. For years this fear plagued me and I just always chalked it up to anxiety. A few weeks ago, this image started showing up again. My initial reaction was “ugh, what the hell is this?” However this time I’ve got more tools in my spiritual tool box, so I knew it was just an aspect of myself that was showing up to be acknowledged. One day in meditation I brought in that wheelchair me and asked him what he wanted me to know. What he told me was this:
I am the aspect of you who always gave your power away. I am the part of you who is terrified of being seen as the powerful light you are. I am the essence of you choosing to diminish your own light and cripple yourself rather than owning the magnificence of being god in human form. I am the part of you who decided that he would rather sit on the sidelines rather than risk getting hurt, or falling or failing. I am the self that doesn’t want to step out of his comfort zone and would rather reject himself before anyone else could reject him. I am the you who tried to be what he thought everyone else wanted him to be instead of just being himself. These choices cripple and immobilize you. They disempower you because what you don’t realize is that in this life, there have always been people who do not agree with or like you. Yet instead of standing up in the truth of who you are and risk being rejected you have been rejected for a version of yourself that is not authentic or true and that is even more painful and debilitating.
Uh, whoa! That’s some real talk for sure! I see now that so much of this is continuing to strip away and to purify me. Lately I have been asking for clarity and knowing and trust and faith. I have been asking to surrender judgement of what shows up and to live my life clearly and powerfully and unapologetically and holy shit look what showed up!
The last thing I will leave you with is this. Several days ago I accompanied my friend to the vet. His amazing wonderful kitty was 19 years old and his health was failing. My friend had decided to euthanize him. It was so heartbreaking and sad to be in that room, but it was also powerful and beautiful. I was honored that my friend trusted me to be with him and I was really glad that I got to be there to say goodbye to that awesome animal. What I got from that experience was this:
The path of the heart is often difficult. It is not for the weak or timid. It requires strength and bravery that many do not think they have when they begin the journey to truth. The compassionate choice is not always the easy choice. It is often painful and hard. You will often want to stop and will many times wish you could go back to sleep and just pretend that you don’t know what you now know. But it is the path of greatest reward and there is not one thing you will need on that journey that will not be given to you. There is not one thing you will require along that path that does not already exist within you.
So that’s what I’ve been up to. What’s next? Who the fuck knows? I do still feel like a big move is on the horizon for me. I know that a huge shift is coming. I mean it’s always shifting or changing in some way, but I feel like what’s next is going to redefine my life in many ways. Like what’s coming is what I have been working towards for the past few years. No doubt it will lead to more unfolding and emerging as the journey up the spiral continues. I may not know what’s next, but I know it won’t be boring!
In Love and Light I leave you.
Rejoice!
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