Clarity comes in fits and starts these days. There are times where everything is so clear and pristine. The next moment it shreds at the seams, reducing itself to nothing again.
Everything has changed. 2019 has been unforgiving in that sense. I am not the same man I was a year ago. I am not even the same man I was yesterday! The changes and shifts that have visited me this year are numerous and impossible to inventory. I was this, now I am not. I used to think I was that, but now realize I never was.
Where do you turn when you see that much of your personality was really only a well developed coping mechanism? A trait (or collection thereof) that was adopted and then employed so frequently that you forgot it was only the means by which to survive a specific moment or chapter. It’s a crutch for a wound long since mended that you just got really comfortable using. Like any transitional passage, the first steps without the crutches (old selves, identities, stories, etc) are often excruciating and fraught with fear and insecurity.
I have been transformed into a hunter of my own BS programming this year. The trauma that has been unearthed, felt, and released has taken my breath away on more than one occasion. The physical discomfort and good old fashioned PAIN created by the lies I told myself has been inescapable. Finding myself knee deep in scenarios that showed me just how much further I have to go on this journey of Love and acceptance has humbled me greatly. Friendships have turned to dust. Trusted confidants have shown their true colors. Decisions and desires that were once put upon a pedestal have turned out to be nothing more than fool’s gold. Who was the fool? I’ll give you one guess.
This is the year that I finally stopped trying to vacate myself and the experiences I’d created. And just so we’re clear, I created all of my experiences. Every. Single. One. That was the hardest pill to swallow. To acknowledge and accept that for decades I had been carting around my pain like a pack mule. Unboxing it and projecting it all over people, relationships, and experiences that had absolutely nothing to do with it. Don’t get me wrong, those experiences were priceless. I needed to see first hand just what kind of life I would have if I continued to let my pain lead the way. It had to happen the way it did and wishing otherwise is simply a red herring. When pain is present, we create from it first. It’s the toxic oil slick floating on the surface. It must be cleared in order to reach the untainted waters beneath. You gotta see and accept the muck before you can clean it up. The irony of it all is something I espouse frequently: “Often the scariest thing in life is getting what we really want.” Living a life that is rooted in authenticity and truth sounds great…and it is! It is also terrifying, exhausting, and at times overwhelming. There are no free passes on the conscious path. There simply aren’t. Anyone who tells you otherwise is someone I would keep about 30 yards distance from at all times.
Programming begins at birth, and Truth is antithetical to said programming. My job this year has primarily been undoing 45+ years of indoctrination. Once you begin to pull that thread your available wiggle room becomes smaller and smaller. Ultimately Truth is an either or thing. Either I am living/creating/choosing from it or I’m not. Often times (especially in the beginning) the only way I was able to discern the difference between Truth or not was simply by choosing and then paying really close attention to my feelings and the outcome. Sometimes I needed to ride that merry-go-round several hundred times before I saw the pattern and made new choices. It takes as long as it takes.
So, again this year, (after 18 months of trying my level best to force an outcome) I uprooted myself and left LA. I have moved 35+ times in my life, but this one was the hardest. This one holds the visceral charge of knowing I’ve crossed a threshold. The writing is on the wall (and has been for sometime) and in 2019 I’ve finally uncovered my eyes to face it. I chose to leave behind everything that needed to be left behind. Much of which I was still very attached to mentally and emotionally. It’s not that I threw the baby out with the bathwater. It’s that I have come to realize that sometimes it’s the current iteration that needs to die so that a more clarified expression of it can emerge. Unfortunately, there’s really no clear way to know which is which. You just gotta set it all free and trust the old adage: If it comes back, it’s yours.
Landing in Colorado was unmistakably the correct decision, yet when I arrived I was met by more niggling doubts, uncertainty, and fear. These frequencies aren’t strangers to me. I am very familiar with these healing visitors. This move was different and every molecule of my being was aware of it. Previous moves had almost always been because there was something “out there” that I wanted. An externally focused adventure that I longed to experience; or an escape from something I didn’t. This one was prompted by something deeper. This move came via a level of Self that I hadn’t encountered since about 5 years old. This level of my awareness isn’t the least bit interested in what’s going on “out there” and requires a whole new level of courage. I mean it’s one thing to talk about living free from the need for external approval. It’s quite another thing to actually live that way. Especially when you’ve been plagued by the disease to please for the majority of your life. I’m still figuring out how to do it. It’s a practice.
When you are face to face with the core of your Self, defenseless and terrified of losing an identity that was never really you in the first place, then what? When you are so attuned to every blip of energy that sometimes it feels like you have no skin, then what? When what you were so sure of turns out to be nothing much at all, then what? These are not just questions posed, no. These are questions lived. An awakening is not about answers. An answer is only a new question. This is about asking new questions and then living them. This isn’t shit you read in a book and then intellectualize to a great degree of self satisfaction so you can avoid feeling. This is about living the questions (thank you Rainer Maria Rilke) NOW. If you want to master something in this life time, then the only way to do so is through the physical vessel. The feels bring the heals. You don’t have to reconcile your shit if you don’t want to. Yay, freewill! But if you don’t, you’re just going to keep chasing your tail until you finally surrender or die. Either way, you’re eventually going to have to let go of your illusions.
The most challenging part of this is the shifts that have occurred in my practice. When I stepped on to this path consciously in 2012, it was many things. Not the least of which was the sense of having FINALLY found my “thing”. Relief and joy were a huge part of that initial surrender experience. Over the past 7 years I have devoted pretty much my whole life to building this practice. Suddenly I find myself in the very curious position of realizing that so much of what I have created as an offering to you and the collective at large doesn’t seem meaningful or important anymore. Don’t get me wrong. There’s still a longing to serve. An unrelenting desire to assist. Yet it’s not fully formed. It is vague and abstract and is mostly peripheral. Each time I turn to face it, it skitters just out of my sightline again.
How do I create a life that feels like paradise when I don’t have a model? How do I continue to serve without standing in the way of another’s journey of self discovery? How do I do work that not only serves, but that also satisfies and feeds me? Lately I have been fantasizing about closing down my site and social media accounts, and opening a bakery. Or living in the woods somewhere care taking someone’s property. Doing ANYTHING but “being spiritual”! I sit down to do one of my videos, and I get the sense that I am just regurgitating the same thing over and over. Is there anything new to say? I log onto my social media accounts with the intention of sharing something. But nothing feels right. It drains the life out of me. I look at the feeds on my accounts and what I see is a bunch of people parroting the same messages over and over. My first thoughts are usually along the lines of: “Does this actually mean anything to anyone?” I am not exempt from this scrutiny. I am revisiting old messages and content I have posted over the years too. Some of it astounds me with its crystalline insight. Some of it makes me laugh and cringe at my own ignorance and massive ego.
I don’t care what the experts say, I am not going to post something just because I need to keep my followers active and engaged. Gross. Sorry, Gary Vee, but that BS tactic is so tired. Why the fuck should I post just to post? That’s noise. That’s pollution. That’s meaningless garbage. If it’s not inspired by a legit desire to share, to serve, to assist, illuminate, whatever, then what’s the point?
Trust me when I say I am not being nihilistic about this. I know without a doubt that what’s around the corner will also be amazing and wonderful in its own way. I also know that we’re still deeply in process of clearing the decks for the whopper that is 2020. I am sharing this, because that’s what I do. I share my experience in the hopes that it sparks something within you. From the beginning, it was crucial to show up honestly. Not to sugar coat things or position myself as someone who has it all figured out (yet ANOTHER person I would stay far far away from) but to be honest, transparent, and real. We’re all figuring this out as we go along. We owe it to ourselves to be as honest about that as we can. Nothing makes my eyes glaze over faster than someone reading me a litany of their accomplishments or telling me how “enlightened” they are – none of us are enlightened until we all are. I wanna know who you really are. I wanna know who you are when you’re exhausted and in line behind someone who is paying for their groceries one penny at a time. I wanna know who you are when you’re trying to untangle a knot of Christmas lights. I wanna know who you are when you’re not trying to show me. I wanna see you just being your messy, luminous, chaotic, spectacular, self in all of your glory!
So maybe that’s the message for October. Who the hell are you? Like REALLY who are you? Without your history, who are you?
Without the expectations and requirements of other people, who are you?
Your history is as dead as you allow it to be.
If you woke up tomorrow and everyone in your life but you had amnesia, what stories would you tell about yourself?
It’s not about how many crystals you have. Or what’s on your vision board. It’s about your heart and your truth.
Are you curious about how deep your authentic Love for yourself really goes? Not your BS duck face triple filtered snapchat self….but the REAL you.
That’s the message. That’s the sign. It’s you or nothing. It always has been.
I don’t know what’s around the corner, but I am here for you. When you’re ready, I am here. Through all of this my mission remains the same: You are far more powerful than you’ve been allowed to believe. I intend to help you reclaim that power. It is your Divine birthright.
I love you.
Thank you.
-Andrew
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