I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on this idea. How my judgement of another shows me how I judge myself. How my lack of compassion or impatience with another’s healing process points me towards the places where I am lacking compassion for myself and my journey.
For years I carried a lot of unresolved trauma. It tainted everything. I used to walk into a room with my nervous system on high alert. Scanning people and the room for signs of danger and risks to avoid or neutralize. During that time my life was a game of cat and mouse. I was always trying to stay one step ahead of my pain. This manifested in me walking around in an almost constant state of defensiveness. It was exhausting and frankly a pretty horrible way of living.
As I have built up trust and belief in myself, I no longer look to the outside world to validate my choices. As I have remembered that the external world is always a perfect mirror of my internal landscape, I no longer hold other people accountable for my feelings of unworthiness or lack of faith in myself. It’s a commitment to live this way. It’s not something that happened over night. It’s still a journey of moment to moment practice.
However, something has shifted and now I see. I no longer move through the world scanning for potential threats, now I scan the world for resonance. For connection through joy and passion rather than connection via trauma or suffering. Now I see a world that meets me with more kindness, with softness, and acceptance. No longer is it a constant war zone. Now, it’s a pretty fucking amazing life. Sure there are still moments of disconnection, but now the mission of my day to day life isn’t “let me find the threat”. These days it’s more along the lines of “let me be the Love I seek.”
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