This weekend has been a roller-coaster of emotions. A lot of old “stuff” that I thought I had cleared reared its head and revealed itself to me again. Some of the really well hidden corners of my insides were illuminated.
I must say that one of my biggest challenges personally has always been to face what I thought was already cleared. But as we all know when we are in the process of peeling back our individual layers, we don’t always get to choose what comes up. Sometimes we can dance around a specific topic or subject. Sometimes we can even avoid it…for a while.
The truth is that it’s a folly for us to believe that anything internal is going to escape our loving, intense, gaze of examination when we begin the process of self discovery. And the things that can seem the most emotionally charged, the biggest hurdles so to speak are many times the hardest ones to face.
Yet there is a fine line…a razor’s edge that we all must walk when determining what “stuff” belongs to us and what “stuff” doesn’t. My ego and my rational mind have displayed at many times in my life, an almost obsessive/compulsive need to understand or to know why.
One of my biggest lessons in this life has been to learn that some things just aren’t meant to be understood in this life or in this moment. Some things are to remain a mystery. Some times the decision to walk away from something comes well before the lesson of why it was there in the first place. More importantly, sometimes the lesson itself is as simple as learning to walk away. Sometimes the only thing that we are to learn, that we need to know, that is crucial to our continued evolution is just to know: if it doesn’t feel good, walk away…If the burner is hot, don’t touch it…if the tiger is asleep, don’t poke it.
Some things aren’t to be fixed or understood or unraveled. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar…and yet even a simple cigar can hold a lesson.
Why is it that the simplest lessons seem to be the hardest ones to learn? Why is it that “because I know so” sometimes isn’t enough? I know for me that it’s because so much of the joy in my life has been in the understanding of what moves me, what inspires me, what makes me tick. So much of the pain in my life has been shown to be necessary and valuable because of what it taught me later. So much of the digging and excavation and examination I have done on myself and within my internal landscape has unearthed treasure after wonderful treasure.
It becomes clear to me that the simplest lessons…the treasures that were lying there in plain sight were the most difficult ones to believe in simply because of their simplicity. Merely because they required no level of determination greater than simply picking them up, dusting them off and putting them in my pocket. Or in this case, leaving them be. Sometimes the blood, sweat and tears that I so often thought would accompany great self discovery were indeed the illusion.
My ego and my rational mind over the years have become enamored and entranced with the process of digging and discovery. They have reveled at the treasures hard won after a battle long fought. The mantra of the ego is “What’s in it for me”? If the battle or the lesson is not tough. If the road is not long and winding. If the mountain is not too high or the valley too low, then the treasure must simply be worthless.
So as I sat this weekend, finding myself back to trying to solve the same old puzzle. After meditating and journaling and channeling and chanting and napping and fretting and stewing. I sat down this morning to really engage myself. I set down my bag of tricks. I closed up my tool box and turned to face this aspect of myself that has stubbornly been awaiting (yet again) my engagement. It was as if I was saying “Ok me…no lessons or epiphanies or concepts to hide behind. It’s just you, me and 42 years of history here”.
This time it became very clear to me that the integration of this facet on the diamond that is me required only my faith. Only my trust. Only my acceptance that there was nothing to unravel. Nothing to understand. It only needed and had been waiting for my declaration. My promise. My oath. My surrender.
The minute…the second…the instant that this knowing dawned on me, I got the familiar confirmation of goosebumps on my body that this was the truth. This was the lesson. This was the layer.
Sometimes a cigar is only a cigar, but even a cigar can hold great meaning.
The choice is and always has been mine, and the only choice I had yet to make was to choose me.
So here it is…my Declaration of Independence.
Today I choose.
I choose to be my own advocate.
I choose to be the one who cares for me.
I choose to be the one who seeks that which is in my best interest.
I choose to be the one who stands by my side through thick and thin.
Through darkness and light, through sickness and in health.
I choose to be the one who loves me until the end of time.
I am timeless and eternal.
I am forever.
I am infinite and wise and all knowing and all loving and compassionate.
I am the one I have been waiting for.
I am the one who is here to save me.
I am the one.
I am the one.
I AM.
It matters not whether I know why.
It matters not whether I understand.
It only matters that I know that if it doesn’t feel good, that I will protect myself from it and I will choose another choice.
I will pick another path.
I will open another door.
I release all that has served me.
I honor all that has challenged me.
I transform all that has kept me low and frightened and asleep.
I let it go.
I put it in the ground.
I set it free.
The burden was required only so that I could learn my own strength and now it is done. The wall was built only so that I could see how high I could climb and now it is done. The separation was created only so that I could rejoice in my own reunion and now it is done.
It is done.
It is done.
It is done.
From the ashes I have arisen.
From the confusion I have found the clarity.
From the shackles I have liberated myself.
From the low I have found the high.
It is done.
It is done.
It is done.
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