I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am right now in my life. Part of it has to do with the fact that 2014 is winding down. This time of year always makes me feel nostalgic. Much of it, however, has to do with how much change I have undergone in the past two and a half years.
Flash back to early 2012 when I found myself in LA living a life that looked good on the outside but filled me with anxiety and dread on the inside. There was a powerful moment when I realized that I was dancing on the edge of a life that resembled that which I feared most. A life of being disconnected from the truth of who I was. A life of working diligently at something that I didn’t genuinely care about to support an illusion that was crushing me with its weight.
After some serious soul searching, I made the promise to myself that if Spirit/God/Source/My Guides/The Universe (whatever it was that was lovingly hounding me to listen to my inner knowing) would help me return to Seattle, then I would stay put until I could begin to build a life based on personal integrity and honoring that which I could no longer ignore.
To say that I had no idea what was in store for me was an understatement.
The past 2 and a half years have been filled with more personal transformation than all of my previous 40 years combined. There is nothing that has escaped my scrutiny. There is no part of my soul, my psyche, my heart or my head that has been able to hide from the rigorous assessment, editing, deletion, revision, and evaluation of the past 2.5 years.
I realized the other day that it’s been 10 months since I left the security of my full time job to pursue my passion wholeheartedly. The amount of time it would take to grow a baby… 9 months and one to grow on. I don’t have children, but I have definitely birthed a new version of myself. There has been so much I have learned and unlearned that it’s hard to put it all into words. There are few things, though, that I know to be true:
- There are always going to be people who are resistant to our changing. Big Change isn’t only about what we go through, it also affects those to whom we are close, whether it is a coworker, a spouse, a long time friend or a family member. When we go through Big Change, there are people who find it very uncomfortable. Really this has nothing to do with us. It’s only because a big shift in our life forces those around us to examine their place in our lives and, in turn, their own lives. We all have roles we play and places that we occupy in each others’ lives. When one of us decides to discard that role or change our place, it makes a LOT of people uncomfortable. It’s hard enough to make change that we’ve chosen to make, but when it is change that is thrust upon us by others, then that is generally cause for great consternation.
- What other people think of you is ultimately irrelevant. Of course we want to have the approval of those we love, respect and care about. Ultimately, though, if what others expect of us comes with the price tag of living up to their expectations over ours, then the pain of moving on is far less than the pain of staying put so that others won’t be made to feel uncomfortable. There are always people who will want to see us fail, just as there are always those who will want to see us succeed. In the end their expectations are only as powerful as we allow them to be.
- Fear is the killer. Fear keeps us locked in place. Fear prevents us from seeing the truth of what is in front of us. Fear is an illusion. Fear is a choice. Fear is the antithesis of Freedom and those who want to see us bound by fear are not truly interested in seeing us free.
- Love transforms everything. Love is really all that is. Love or the need for Love is the impetus for all things. Everything can be measured by the amount of Love present or the amount of room there is for Love in each moment. Love is eternal and is the force of life.
- True power lies within. Anything that lies outside of us: Job, relationship, bank balance, car, house, religion, political party, etc that inspires a feeling of power or self satisfaction is illusive and ephemeral. Trust me when I say (without going into a long diatribe about how we are conditioned to seek validation outside of ourselves) that I completely understand the human tendency to want to look to outside sources for strength, comfort and power. The problem with anything that is outside of us is that it will always decay, end, fall apart, evolve, change, be discarded or taken from us. That’s the nature of the physical. It is transient and temporary. True power comes from connecting to the eternal divine spark that lives in all of us. When we fan that flame and nurture that connection, we can find power and peace, regardless of what is or is not present in our external, physical, world. I am not here to say that we shouldn’t enjoy the physical…as humans we can’t escape it. Embrace it while you have it. Just know that it’s important to take it for what it is. An illusion.
- We are always, in every moment, creating the next moment. Whether or not we are consciously creating or are asleep at the wheel is the question. What shows up in our lives may not always look how we envisioned it, but it will always feel how we expected it to. Our job is to see below the surface and connect with the feeling of what is present in our lives. That is the key to transformation. Quite simply: if you want to feel better about your life, then you need to stop doing those things that make you feel so shitty. Easier said than done, I know…but the old adage “if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten” is pretty apt. Thought is the genesis of everything. The outer will always mirror the inner. Anything and everything that has ever been or will ever be first started as a thought. How was the airplane invented? I don’t know all of the particulars, but I know this for sure…it started as a thought. An idea. Everything else came after the thought.
My life now is a strange, curious adventure that amazes and delights me. I don’t know what’s next and for the first time in my life, it’s unimportant. Because where I am now is the most powerful place I have ever been and will ever be. All of our power is always in this moment Now. And Now and Now.
Do what you will, just know that you always have a choice. In each and every moment there is a choice. Sometimes the choice is small and feels very limited, and sometimes it feels huge and expansive. Yet the road to get to where we want to be always starts with where we are right Now. This I know, without question, to be true.
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