“Where am I in all of this?”
This is a question that I keep coming back to over and over again these days.
As someone who grew up looking at the world from the outside, I naturally cultivated an ability to separate myself from group think and the dictates about what I was “supposed to do”.
I came in with a sense of Self that unquestioningly offered me the indelible difference between what I was told was true and what I knew [on a visceral level] was True.
It took me years to accept my nature and understand that I didn’t come here to fit in. I didn’t come here to live in the house of another. I didn’t come here to play a game that I had no hand in writing the rules to. I didn’t come to fall in step and toe the line.
I came to rattle some cages.
I came to fracture foundations built upon illusion.
I came to tear down the walls of separation that we erect against ourselves and each other.
I came in with an energy field that by design causes waves.
I tried to hide from this for years. I did everything I could to blot it out to no avail. Now I embrace it. These are my super powers.
The innate ability I posses, to always ask the questions that stop people in their tracks and pierce the density of the collective narrative haze, can often be a colossal pain in the ass.
It means that people are often uncomfortable in my presence. It means that I have never been able to delude or fool myself for any great length of time. It means I have never blindly cowed to those who have deemed themselves my authority. In my world, that position is earned before it is granted.
Even in the moments where I was able to blot/numb/silence the inner knowing, it was only ever temporary and always at the cost of my own happiness and wellbeing. The price for being as I AM, is an inescapable requirement that I focus these gifts on myself too.
My experience inevitably brings me to turning the focus upon myself via deep, and challenging questions. The way I see it, tough questions are the portal to transformation and the manifestation of the life I dream of.
I realized at a young age, that I couldn’t simultaneously cut parts of myself off [to fit in] and also live a life that felt like paradise. It’s an either or thing.
At least for me it is.
Lately when I look out upon the world at large, I see chaos, division, and a storm of confusion and anxiety. When I find myself struggling to make sense of the conflicting narratives and feel like I am a tangled mess of knots, questions, and fears, it’s always a sign that I have left my center.
In the moments when I realize I’ve strayed too far from Self, the question I always come back to is:
“Where am I in all of this?”
Last night I was chatting with a friend. We were both sharing frustrations around [what we see as] the surrender of individual authority. Neither one of us has ever bought the idea that if we just “do what we’re supposed to do” things will go back to normal and all will be OK. I went to bed with a knot in my gut, and an angry fire burning within.
No surprise I didn’t sleep very well.
This morning, I sat down to find myself again. To begin my own loving inquiry around my discomfort with so much of what’s at play right now. This, as usual, brought up some hard questions. Questions that I am going to share with you too.
My wish is that you can not just read these questions, or skim over them; but deeply feel into them and be honest with what you see.
From where I stand, we no longer have the luxury of ignoring ourselves.
It’s time to turn within and ask:
“Where am I in all of this”
So here goes…
“Do you believe that you have authority over yourself and your body?” Why or why not?
To further this one… “Who gets to decide what happens to your body and when?”
And although [for myself] I already know the answer to this one: “Who gets to decide what happens to my body and when?”
“Do billion dollar corporations and career politicians love you and have your best interests at heart?” How do you know?
“If criticism is the backbone of the Scientific Method, can science and scientific results that are deemed unquestionable be scientific?” How so?
“Do you trust what you know in your gut? Even when that knowing is counter to what outside sources are saying is true?” Why do you think that is?
This last question is one of the most difficult ones that I have found, so of course it must be asked…
“What part of your heart and mind have you had to shut off in order to silence the narratives that are uncomfortable or inconvenient for you to hear?”
In my opinion, if we are to make it out of this alive, we must return to basic respect for life…ALL life. Not just the lives of those we agree with.
It’s not easy, but nobody said building a life that feels like paradise would be.
lastly, I will leave with you some words that my friend shared this morning on the heels of our conversation last night.
“Love and compassion are being gaslit. Who’s benefiting when we’re divided? Wake up, friends! We need each other now. Normal was never normal to begin with. Let’s come together to create a new normal that benefits us all. What about LOVE and respect of difference? What’s happening?!”
I hope these questions, as uncomfortable as they may be, bring you back to Self.
I love you.
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