It’s unbelievable to me that the tail end of December is upon us. This past year has been so full of fast and furious shifts that it all seemed to go by in a flash. A flash of Light.
The changes that have occurred in my life this year are too numerous to name. They’ve been so revolutionary, I am hard pressed to even put them into words.
What I am clear on is that all the changes have been focused on liberation.
Liberation from history. Liberation from the limitations of the outdated ways of living. Liberation from patterns that served nothing but the false beliefs of brokenness and unworthiness.
It’s often felt strange to not have the once constant companions of struggle, doubt, and fear at my side. More than once I’ve been overcome by the panicky feeling that I’ve lost something.
The truth is, I have.
The loss of the old songs of victimhood, scarcity, and suffering has been very real. The journey of subtraction that I walked this past year has taken me to spaces deep within myself. I’ve unearthed, excavated, and resolved mountains of generational, institutional, and collective indoctrination.
What I see now is, fundamentally, this year presented me with a choice.
A choice to take the historical experiences of trauma, shame, and suffering and create something with them.
In retrospect I see that in deciding to use that history to create something, I was presented with two paths.
On one hand, I could take that history and craft an egoic identity of victimization and powerlessness. One that would have locked me into a plateau of a small, pained, life.
Or
I could use that internal pain as a mechanism to transform myself beyond the identity of the one who merely survived. One that signified my abilities as a Master of Alchemy.
In other words, I could use my experience to build a cage, or a key.
Blessedly, I chose the latter.
It’s never been about denying my past. It’s been about using it as a roadmap to get back to Self. Kind of like reverse engineering a recipe. I started where I was, and worked my way back to center one step at a time.
The layers I moved through on my way back to the core were often bewildering and chaotic. Even at their darkest and most intense, they always reminded me of the conscious choice I’d made to liberate myself.
That was The Light at the end of the tunnel that kept beckoning me forward.
Freedom.
We, as beings of Light, are innately drawn to return to that state of luminous purity.
We are driven to come back to The Light. We are always in the state of becoming that which we already are. We are sticky and magnetic to our greatness.
I think we set the perfect obstacle courses for ourselves. Plotting paths that will bring us the exact circumstances to allow us to choose and choose again.
The choice I made this year was, quite simply, to live Truth. That statement is deceptive in its simplicity.
Living Truth with the capital “T” is no small endeavor. Especially when we’ve been steeping in the collective soup of so much distortion and falsity. Especially when we’ve been told time and time again to look outside of ourselves for what is real.
For me, it took deciding that I wanted more than exoteric platitudes. It took trusting that an entire universe existed beyond the limited scope of my comfort zone. It took accepting that I chose this.
All of this.
It took remembering (and more challengingly accepting) that I already am that which I seek.
That which I desire is already here.
It lives within each of us eternally.
Last year, at the end of October, I had another mind blowing awakening moment. It was another “peak experience”.
(I have come to realize that awakening is an infinite journey)
On that night in October, in an instant I pierced the veil. A torrent of remembrance flooded my being and suddenly I “knew” why I came back. This experience [once again] changed everything. The stark clarity of what I recalled showed me unequivocally that the keys to liberate myself sat squarely in my hands.
They always have.
To choose the path of absolute freedom took nerve that while I suspected was always within me, I had yet to truly access and apply. I had reached the layer of my experience that called me beyond healing and into transformation.
It was often breathtaking in its power. It brought me to my knees over and over and over. To humble myself to the greatness of mySelf was necessary in order for me to finally accept it and let it ALL in.
It never dawned on me that the biggest undertaking of my journey back to Self would be to simply accept the Truth of that which I AM.
It sounds really lovely and perhaps a bit poetic. However, in practice, it was the equivalent of being invited to walk on the Sun without getting burned. The enormity of what I reconnected with brought all of the unworthy, frightened, clingy, desperate, inferior stuff to the surface of my awareness. Trust me when I tell you, sorting through that was no small feat or easy task.
This was Master level work. Whether or not I felt that I was ready, I knew that it was time. That’s the thing with the Path of Mastery. It doesn’t abide human notions of smallness. When it comes calling, whether or not you “think” you’re ready or capable is ultimately irrelevant. It’s an either or thing: you’re either willing to take the plunge or you’re not. No ifs ands or buts…and no takebacks.
What I didn’t expect was that stepping into Mastery quite literally brought me shoulder to shoulder with The Masters. Help from the Otherworld arrived the instant I acquiesced.
Kwan Yin, Shiva, Hekate, and Osiris were my loving and supportive partners in healing and transformation. They served as my patrons through the experience of living resurrection. The Lighted Ones made themselves known to me in a way I had yet to experience. They are no longer just “my guides”, they are now [and always have been] my brothers in a very literal way.
Reading this post, I am struck by how fantastical it all sounds. However, I assure you it is very real.
The irony of it is also how prosaic it becomes. I don’t mean to sound jaded, but the funny thing is that once I accepted the Truth of Self it was like slipping on a pair of well worn, custom made shoes. They just “fit”. There was no question that they were mine. Once I abandoned my allegiance to fear, and my worship of untruth, it was the easiest thing in the world to know, and accept mySelf as I AM.
Each morning, when I rise, those shoes are always waiting for me. To slip them on [or not] is always my choice.
Each day, I choose to remember I AM what we all are: The Divine in form. The Light in a body. The Universes in a Human shell.
The enormity of these Truths often move me to tears.
So, here’s to The Light.
Here’s to the greatness that lives within each of us. Here’s to the Love that moves through all of it. The Love that is relentless in its insistence and knowing that we will inevitably realize our brilliance.
Here’s to the Shadow that held my Sovereign Authority in escrow until such time as I was willing to sit down and know him too. Not only did I let the tiger out of the cage, I also learned to love and accept him and now I see and honor his value and worth too.
The Lighted Ones told me years ago: “All of it is from You. All of it is for You.”
It took me 50 years to understand, accept, and embody that Truth. Finally I have.
My wish for you on this day is that you will come to know and accept your Light too.
The Light that You are only requires one thing. That you finally accept it and let it in.
That’s the Master Level work. And like all things related to Mastery, it is very very simple.
Simple isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it.
