When I left Los Angeles in 2019, I initiated a sequence of endings. I didn’t know it at the time of course. Within the context of my life, it just seemed like the next right move. I had absolutely no idea what was coming. Upon reflection, I see this protracted phase of collapse really began back in 2016 after I left Seattle to begin yet another peripatetic chapter. It seems for most of my life, I have been wandering. Even as a kid growing up in rural Wyoming, I would aimlessly strike out on a walk. Winding my way down the big hill we lived on at the outskirts of town, motoring forward for hours at a time.
This 7 year cycle of implosions that began in 2016 suddenly seems to be coming to a close. I’ve been sensing this for a few months now, but truth be told, I’ve been a bit gun shy about claiming that knowing. I’ve lost count of the times over the past 7 years that I have desperately proclaimed to myself and others that things were finally feeling resolved. Every time, the sense that things were coming back together, was simply a futile claim of my panicked mind trying like hell to back out of the cul-de-sac of my life and regain control.
At times, this period has been excruciating. I’ve basically been dancing in the shadow realm for 7 years, and I can assuredly say it’s been some of the hardest self work I have ever endured. Over and over again, I have been stripped bare. Mentally, emotionally, psychically, and over the past month, even physically. The often terrifying process of having to face myself and stand nose to nose with my own darkness has generally felt impossible. To be shown starkly how the unacknowledged, unloved, unaccepted, dis-integrated aspects of my Self were at the root of all of the turmoil in my life was brutal. Add to that then the monumental process of feeling their pain and then figuring out how to consciously accept, embrace and weave those parts into my psyche mindfully and compassionately; well let’s just say more than once I fantasized about simply going to sleep and never waking up in this body again.
It hasn’t all been suffering. Without fail, on the other side of a challenging passage would be breathtaking clarity and impossibly deep insight. The revelations of my light, my strength, my infinite nature, and endless creative abilities almost always brought me to my knees in tears of gratitude. The previously hidden layers of Self, and cadre of magical helpers that emerged through this 7 year period are astounding in their purity, love, and support.
At the beginning of August, I started getting messages about metamorphosis. There was a frequency of something really big beginning to emerge. I began to tap into it and document the insight that was coming in, and then I got sick. I came down with a fever, that came and went in 3 days time. As I began coming back to health, the fever returned and stayed. I had no access to health care, because in the entire state of Kansas there was not one doctor in my insurance network, and with a $3500 deductible, care outside of my network was not covered. After 3 weeks of languishing in bed, my Mom sought out the next door neighbor, a physician’s assistant, and he prescribed some powerful antibiotics. Within 48 hours, the fever was gone. I was exhausted and depleted. I had lost almost 20 pounds. It turns out, I contracted Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever from a tick bite. As a kid, I always thought the name of that illness sounded quaint, like something a character on Little House on The Prairie would get. It conjured up images of calico and covered wagons. Trust me when I tell you, it’s about as fucking far away from quaint as one can get.
During this time of being laid out in bed for several weeks, what began to reveal itself was a positively massive aspect of consciousness. I’ve taken to calling it the Ocean of Self. It is breathtaking in its scope and magnitude. This presence of awareness is unlike anything I have ever encountered in this life. When I began to tap into it, I could feel it rising up as a foundation of support that was impossible in scale. It felt like something coming from the depths of creation to catalyze change beyond anything humanity had experienced thus far. At first, it felt very delicate and fragile. Like a web made of impossibly thin glass. As August progressed, I began to see it coalesce and strengthen into a scaffolding of sorts.
It has lovingly wrapped and woven itself through and around me in support of an entirely new life. Had I not been incapacitated by the fever, I don’t know if I would have been able to really comprehend this energy. It required a level of stillness and inner quiet I’d not cultivated before.
From a shamanic perspective, fever is a deep purge. It’s a cellular cleansing. On the other side of being completely depleted, I can see that’s exactly what I went through. I was completely wrung out by this fever. Old cellular programs and memories were eradicated. In the larger context of the past 7 years, I can see that it was a culmination.
I don’t think it would be overstating it to say that I have been completely transformed by the past 7 years. Rebuilt from nose to stern. That’s the tricky thing with spiritual growth and personal evolution. What initially seems like an impossible mountain to climb, eventually becomes just another step on the path. When you’re standing at the foot of the monolith, looking up at it you think there’s no way on Earth you’re ever going to be able to scale it. Then, slowly but surely, you begin to find footholds and fissures you can dig into. The seemingly immoveable object eventually begins to crack apart and reveal openings through which you can enter. For me, I began to realize that the trick is to meet immovability with immovability. To be as stubborn and unrelenting as the mountain itself. Refusing to run and digging in my heels to meet it on its terms. Staring it down with a smile on my face and unyielding Love in my heart. What other choice did I have?
I find myself now at a new beginning. I am staring at a clean slate. I can’t say I know what tomorrow holds. The more I learn, then less I know.
What I am clearer on is what I have learned through this process.
Surrender is inevitable. I’ve never met anyone with a more ironclad will than I. I can be impossibly stubborn and willful. I’ve never met an obstacle I couldn’t destroy simply by being more headstrong that it. Yet, the past 7 years have humbled me beyond belief. Time and time again, despite my most clever trickery, I would inevitably come sneaking around a corner, only to run smack dab into the resolute Love of Spirit. When it comes down to where the Divine is leading me, vs. what I want? Personal will loses every time. There are things we have agreed to [on a soul level] that can’t be circumnavigated. Ultimately, the only choice a human has is whether or not we’re going to resist or surrender.
I never regret surrender. Once I manage to get over my tantrum and capitulate, I ALWAYS see the nuggets of Truth and Beauty that await me.
I also have choice. Sometimes the choice seems a bit severe. As in, “let go or be dragged”. Yet, many times there is the choice to choose what I prefer. To leave spaces and experiences that are no longer fulfilling or rewarding. To decide how I want to navigate through my life and the world at large. I see now, that when I am free to choose, it is the gift of allowance. Now, I never pass by an opportunity to choose. Of course, it always takes surrender to what is to access these portals of choice. Oh, the delicious irony of it all.
Speaking of allowance, I have learned that life is mostly about allowing and less about doing. Yes, I have to make choices and take care of the details of being a responsible human. There is always the mundanity of that level of action. What I mean here, is that from the limited mental perspective, life is an endless slog of choices and decisions to “figure it out” and “get it right”. This is simply an illusion of the mind. When I stop, take a breath, and drop into my deeper knowing, I remember how to allow. In the space of allowance (which exists and sustains beyond the limited field of the mind) I am immediately reconnected to the greater geometry of Creation. I simply watch as the Truth, the next right action, and the inspired choices emerge. When I unclench my mental muscles, I always see that it is far simpler than the mind believes it can be.
Sometimes it won’t ever make sense. When things don’t make sense from the human perspective, it’s because the pieces on the board are being moved by a higher level of awareness. It’s still me doing the choosing, it’s just not a level of me that necessarily exists at my human level of insight. There are things that each human goes through that often seem unbelievable and impossibly cruel. Yet, in the larger scheme, nothing is wasted and everything has a purpose. Sometimes, no matter what we do, it may always be beyond our understanding. Gardening has taught me this. So has baking. I can do all of my research and have loads of information and knowledge at my disposal. I can follow the steps to a T and tick all the right boxes and it will still result in monumental failure. It doesn’t mean I am a bad human, or that I am being punished. It just means that beyond my human desires and will, there is always a greater equation that is balancing. In those moments, I take a breath, let the tears flow, the anger burn, and begin again (See above paragraphs on surrender for more information)
I can’t cherry pick my experience. In an attempt to have an intellectual understanding of life, it’s really easy to abstract out singular experiences to try and resolve my confusion. To take a moment of life and say “this bad thing happened, therefore I am bad, or God is cruel.” is false. Conversely to say “because this good thing happened means I am holier or more deserving” is frankly, bullshit. You have to take life in its entirety. To isolate one moment and say that it is proof of a punitive or vengeful deity or of my holiness doesn’t work. It’s like asking for an ingredient list in a pot of soup, seeing that salt is on that list and then eating a spoonful of salt and proclaiming “THIS SOUP IS HORRIBLE!” That’s not how life works. It’s mathematical. You can’t eradicate one part of the formula and expect it to balance. There is bitter and there is sweet. It is the entirety of our experience that makes it meaningful as a whole.
The mystery is under no obligation to solve itself for me. Maybe it doesn’t make sense, but that doesn’t mean I can’t dance with it. Maybe it will always confound me, but I can still be curious about it. Sometimes it’s simply about exploration for the sake of exploration. When a toddler begins to discover its world, I doubt they have an agenda or checklist they are trying to satisfy. They are simply seeking experience. That’s one of the keys to a human life. We require a physical experience, because we are physical beings. I can explore and experience without a requirement that it make sense to me as I demand it to.
No doubt, there is more than I have posted here. Discovery is endless. To me, that’s job security. As long as there is more to be understood, and experienced, there is more life to be lived.
I suppose the main reason I’ve shared this with you, is that’s part of why I am here. To be the explorer, cutting through the jungle of my own life, forging a path so I can report back to you my findings and hopefully leave some breadcrumbs that lead you back to yourself. Maybe you found some truth here, and if so, then I am grateful. Maybe you were triggered or activated by what I have shared, and if so, then I am grateful. Maybe you found nothing here but meaningless drivel. Again, if that’s the case, I am grateful. You found what you needed today, in whatever way you needed it. I had a mentor years ago tell me the key to happiness was to “expect what you find.” It took me years to fully understand that, but now I think I get it.
I love you.
Amar
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