The Breaking Point
I think one of the biggest challenges of my adult life has been unlearning the pattern of behavior that told me my well-being and value are found in putting the needs of others above my own. This pattern insists that in order for me to be safe and happy, I must, above all else, do everything I can to heal, help, fix, and caretake other people. Even if (and oddly more so because) they aren’t open to or interested in my help. This has been powerfully highlighted during the past 6 months of living with my Dad, who is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. It seems like my entire life I have wrestled with creating healthy boundaries around how much I give to others. I am not talking about simple kindness and compassion. I am talking about a belief that told me time and time again, that if I just cut off a bit more of myself in service of another, then I would finally get what I needed.
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The Fullness Of All That I Am
So much of my life’s energy has been spent trying to fragment and fracture myself. The attempt of the mind to keep me from my “bigness” has been chronic from about age 5. Don’t be too visible or too loud or too demanding. Don’t have emotions that are too powerful or too strong. Don’t express yourself too grandly or too effusively. Don’t be unrestrained or enthusiastic. I learned very early on that to be too much of myself was dangerous. It was a risk to be bold and audacious. I was too weird, or too talented, or too expressive. I was too tall and my hair was too red and my mannerisms were often too feminine. My family wasn’t wealthy, but we had what we needed and much of what we wanted. I had a checking account starting at about the age of 12. The attempt of my parents to instill financial responsibility in me was an exercise in extreme discomfort. I remember at the age of 12, standing in line at the local Woolworth’s checkout where I went to buy my candy and 45 records of the latest music. When it came time for me to make my purchases, I pulled out my checkbook to pay. Much to the surprise and judgement of the cashier and other people waiting in line. In truth, it probably wasn’t as dramatic as the mind recalls it. However, at the time, I felt like an alien. Who is THIS kid with a fancy checkbook at age 12? Why does he have this? Who does he think he is? I remember wanting to curl up into a ball and just disappear. I didn’t want that kind of attention, I just wanted to blend in and disappear into the landscape...
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It's All A Gift
Today was the same and I woke up much later than my usual time. What I saw when I opened my eyes was nothing short of spectacular. My room faces East, so I get a good view of the morning sky first thing upon waking. The sunrises lately have been stunning, but today was over the top. The whole span of the open space I saw through my window was a wash of intense magenta, orange, and violet. I jumped out of bed and threw on my slippers so I could go outside to witness it. The colors in the sky are fleeting and ephemeral. In a blink a kaleidoscope of color can fade to dull gray-blue. This morning I made it outside in plenty of time to see the breathtaking beauty.
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Chaos and Creation
Everything is changing rapidly. This is an acceleration and a lifting. The energies are intensifying and the higher reality is rising. Many at this time are going to be experiencing a version of reality that is very otherworldly and magical. From here on out the shifts are going to be more and more physical.
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